Sunday, October 23, 2005

Twenty-eight candles

Today is the day when I become a cradle robber again. For six months out of the year, I’m only two years older than my wife Kara. But from now until March 24, I’ll have three years on her. Three years is a long time to be alive before the other person is even born. Sure, it’s not so weird for a twenty-eight year-old and a twenty-five year-old to be married, but if you think of a three year-old dating a zero year-old, that’s just not right.

Kara’s very gracious about it, though. Here’s the birthday song she sang to me just minutes ago:

“You are so old, and I am so young!
Old, old, old, old, ohhhhhhh-ld.
Your hair is going gray, and you, um, cook like Bobby Flay.
Old, old, old, old, ohhhhhhh-ld.
And I’m so young.”

I expect the royalty checks from Kara’s birthday song to start rolling in any minute now. Listen for it the next time you’re in a restaurant that still makes its wait staff suffer through birthday serenades.

Her song does beg the question, though: “Who the heck is Bobby Flay?”

Answer: “He’s the guy on the cooking channel.” If I really do cook like Bobby Flay, then that guy must whip up a mean bowl of Corn Pops for dinner. I can’t imagine filling my own show with an entire half hour of just pouring milk.

When a buddy at work found out that today is my birthday, he asked me how long it’ll be before Kara and I get a minivan. What’s so wrong with minivans? I don’t think they deserve to be the butt of “old person” jokes. At least minivans are honest about what they are.

A minivan says, “Hi. I’ll carry groceries and kids for you.” An SUV says, “Hi. I’ll carry groceries and kids for you, but I’ll make it look like we’re driving through canyons and going on safaris, even though the only time you’ll actually take me off-road is when you cut a U-turn too wide, and one wheel goes on the grass for just a second, and you’ll smile to yourself and think, ‘That’s why I have an SUV – for moments just like these,’ even though a ‘72 Oldsmobile Cutlass Cruiser station wagon with a shot suspension and bald tires could have done the same thing, and gotten 40% better gas mileage while doing it.”

So no, we don’t have immediate plans to buy a minivan, but we definitely won’t be sporting an SUV anytime soon, either. Besides, why would we get a minivan when we don’t even have kids yet? Those things are total dorkmobiles.

Anyway, I may be three years older than Kara now, but if we were on Saturn, we’d be almost the same age. Also, I’m only one-and-a-half elephant gestation periods older than her, which sounds like much less than three years, doesn’t it? While researching to find out how long an elephant’s gestation period is, I just found out that an opossum’s gestation period is only 12 days long. So I’m 90 opossum gestation periods older than Kara now. Man, I’m ancient.

Regardless, this has been quite a fine birthday, but I’ve found that turning twenty-eight is somewhat anti-climactic. It’s not really cool like turning 16 or 21. Sure, I can run for president in seven years (which I fully intend to do), but there’s nothing extra that I’m allowed to do just because I’m older. I think the government should pick random things and not let you have them until you turn a certain age. That would make every birthday special. “Hey, I’m forty-two, that means I can finally have teriyaki-flavored beef jerky!”

Haven’t gotten naturally selected yet, either? You can reach Mike Todd online at cox1013@hotmail.com.

18 comments:

  1. My husband and I spend 3 months being one year apart - then he turns old on me! lol

    The minivan segment had me roaring with laughter. I've had 2 minivans, 2 Dodge trucks (with hemi's) and now I drive a Jeep Grand Cherokee. Don't knock the minivan til you've had one. They really are spacious. I feel all cramped up in my Jeep. For God sakes, where do I put my 13 gallon pocketbook in a Jeep? My minivan had something like 1500sq feet between the front seats.

    Great post Mike Todd!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jeez - sorry - I forgot to say

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! Old fellar

    ReplyDelete
  3. Happy birthday Mike! Now, don't be dissin' my harem boys! Bobby knows how to handle a big piece of beef. As for the minivan, I seem to have absolutely no problem at all flirting with guys on motorcycles at red lights. And I am way the hell older than you. :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. My husband is 5 years my senior...this keeps me young forever. Happy Birthday 'cradle robber'

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sorry I missed your birthday, Mike. Don't feel too bad, my eldest brother's is the same day as yours and I forgot to call him, too.

    If it's any consolation, he turned 50 this year, you puppy!

    ReplyDelete
  6. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL OLD! Oh and my birthday is March 24...so Happy early Birthday to Kara!

    And I drive a minnie van...geesh I think I have been called old yet again!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Happy birthday Mike... in a stunning bit of role reversal, I robbed the cradle and have 3 years on hubby. Then again, I've got a decade on you; it's all relative I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dude- I sent you a card and all, but you never mentioned you got it. Glad I didn't waste my money on a gift then... geesh!

    Oh well, I guess you know you have a good friend when things like that can go un-mentioned. It's that unspoken bond... I felt a little tingle in my groin when you opened my card!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Happy Birthday. You're right, there's nothing special about 28, just another year closer to 30.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Happy birthday! I turn 28 this year too, in December. It's funny, around 24 or 25, I couldn't wait to get to my 30's. I felt like I'd know more, and have more answers. But the closer I get to the big 3-0, the more I want to stop time because I realized I actually really enjoy my 20's. And 30 just isn't as cute as being in your 20's. Oh well, here's to you being a little closer to 30!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey! Thank you all for the birthday wishes, and for being funnier than me.

    Just to clarify -- I have the utmost respect for minivans. When I called them "dorkmobiles," I meant it as a term of endearment. Seriously. Those things rule.

    Jered -- Dude, the card was awesome. You are the man. And I'm glad your groin is tingling from a safe distance.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My boyfriend is 2-1/2 years older than me, and I love it -- because he's already 31 (or, celebrating the 2nd anniversary of his 29th birthday, as he likes to say) and I'm still lingering in the 28 range. It gives me fodder for ridicule for at least another year...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hey my birthday's March 24 too. Coincidence? I think not. One of 365 days shared by millions? I think so.

    Funny posts. I just started reading them after finding them somewhere (you wouldn't want to know) a month or so ago.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wouldn't want to know, huh? Yeah, links to this site hang out in some pretty seedy places :-)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Mike...sorry I didn't give you a call or a card for the big day but I didn't want to interrupt Kara's singing. I hope she let you enjoy yourself (guilt free) with the PS2 as a birthday present.

    ReplyDelete
  16. By the way...anonymous is synonymous with Derek.

    ReplyDelete
  17. my hubby and i are 3 years apart exactly!! We have the same b-day.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh, I forgot to say -- anyone who feels old 'cause I'm complaining about being twenty-eight -- you're not old, and neither am I. Old people aren't on the internet.

    ReplyDelete