Sunday, September 25, 2005

You talkin’ to me?

As someone who has been gleefully married for ages upon ages (just over one year), I still surprise myself with the things I’m willing to argue about. My wife Kara and I don’t argue much, but the things we do argue about are, for the most part, completely ridiculous. I have a theory that we are trying to keep our debating skills sharp for later in the marriage, when we might have real things to fight about, such as in a few years when I tell her that, regardless of its gender, I want to name our firstborn child “Frodo.”

For now, though, we’ll just keep practicing our debating skills and waiting for something serious to argue about. Here are the things we choose to argue about in the meantime:

1. Temperature regulation
“I’m hot. Do you think we should turn on the A/C?” Kara asked me a few nights ago.
“No, I’m good,” I replied. She didn’t respond, so I figured, like the ignoramus that I am, that the conversation was over.

Ten minutes later, I realized that not only had she not moved a muscle, but she hadn’t even glanced in my general direction. It was like she was watching Rachel Ray’s 30 Minute Meals, but the TV wasn’t on. Being the perceptive husband that I am, I have the ability to sense when something is awry just by being clubbed over the head.

“What’s up?” I asked her.

“I asked you to turn on the air conditioner and you ignored me.”

“You didn’t ask me to do anything! You asked my opinion. If you want me to do something, just ask, and I’ll gladly do it.”

“Will you get up and turn the A/C on?”

“No.”

We both had a good laugh at my insubordination, and then I did as I was told.

2. Pet accidents
Kara recently looked back at the corner of the living room as we were headed out the door in the morning, and she observed, “Oh, Choppy’s accident is still on the floor.”

She said this with genuine surprise, as though she couldn’t figure out how it was still there. I should point out that we do not, as you might think, have Rosey the Robot like the Jetsons did. Kara’s implication was, of course, that only one of us had the necessary credentials to qualify him/her (him) for the finer intricacies of ferret-accident removal.

“Well, I put a drinking straw beside it last night, hoping that it would sprout arms and legs and pole vault itself into the trash can, but I guess our ferret’s accidents just aren’t into track and field,” I replied (in my mind).

With my mouth, I replied: “Uh huh.”

3. Toaster oven vs. slot toaster
I can’t talk about this one. It’s still too raw.

4. Ring toss
If I absolutely want to drive her off her rocker, which of course I do, nothing does the trick like flipping my wedding ring into the air like a coin, or spinning it like a top on the table when we’re out to eat. If I keep it up long enough, I can almost get her to make a scene.

When Kara makes a grab for the ring as it’s spinning on the table, I quickly snag it, hold it in the palm of my hand and stroke it while whispering, “They tried to steals it from us, my preciousss. Filthy hobbitses.”

Sometimes she’s too quick for me, though, and she manages to snatch it. “Ha!” she says, “Whatcha gonna do now?”

That’s when I do what any wedding-ringless man in a restaurant full of eligible women would do: I go home and play video games in my underwear.

Want to pick a fight? You can reach Mike Todd online at
cox1013@hotmail.com.

13 comments:

  1. As always, hilarious. I'm so curious now over the toaster issue.

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  2. Ahhh fights...I remember those *sigh*

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  3. Wow, you're way funnier than my Mike Todd. Still, he's been a friend for many years so I think I'll keep him but good blog dude.

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  4. you had me laughing out loud in my office with no one else there.....i might as well be playing playstation in my underwear....

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  5. oh my god - it doesn't get any funnier! *wiping spit off keyboard from laughing

    Now, we REALLY need to hear about this toaster oven deal.

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  6. Play videogames in your underwear?!?! Oh wait, that sounds about right for you. Speaking of which, I still need to become a Champion of Norrath.

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  7. funny...you should hear some of the doozy fights we have after 10 years, most still fairly stupid.

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  8. Yeah dude, I'm right there with ya on the fight tip. Only I've been married a mere month, and the fights are stupid as hell. Fortunately for me, however, we both love the toaster oven and wouldn't change it for the world.

    Cat pee, on the other hand, is much like ferrett pee. It never learned how to pole vault.

    I think I shall try the ring game. It sounds like more fun than a barrel full of trained monkey ninjas. And we all know how fun monkey ninjas are.

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  9. After 11 years of marriage we still fight about the toaster oven. It hurts man, really hurts. *sniff*

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  10. I don't get it about the toaster, but I do have the same issue with my wife never directly asking me to do things. Well, not never. But she often says things like "Do you want to go out to eat tonight?" and gets mad when I answer "no".
    I also have chosen my first-born's name already - Funky.
    I actually thought of a good middle name too - Ass.
    I'm currently working on getting buy-in. I'll let you know how it goes.

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  11. The part about the A/C cracked me up. Good stuff. :)

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  12. Ring toss.... hysterical. I can still picture the Gollum impersonation. You know the first time you did that, she laughed her ass off.

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  13. very late in the day, but i just discovered your blog! - and this one made me giggle from the inside out (gross image, ignore it). i mean i giggled HARD, for AGES. hilarious.

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