Monday, March 14, 2005

Hardware’s gone soft

My wife Kara recently tricked me into thinking we were going tool shopping. I know, I know, I should have smelled a trap. I’m like Wiley Coyote – she paints the tunnel on the rock face, and I run smack into it every time.

She fooled me by taking me to a store called Restoration Hardware, and I, for reasons that seemed obvious at the time, expected to find myself in a hardware store. Once we got there, though, I realized it was really a Pottery Barn in disguise. Talk about your dirty tricks. Someday, I’m going to open up a sports bar called “Pillows n’ Scented Candles.”

I actually can’t complain too much about getting tricked into furniture shopping with my wife -- furniture stores always have a place to sit. Shopping with Kara is much more fun for both of us when I can just sit and space out until it’s time to go home.

If it was socially acceptable for a grown man to play GameBoy in public, I’d be a regular furniture shop-a-holic. Nintendo needs to come out with a GameMan for the more mature nerd. It could double as an electric shaver or something.

Anyway, that fake hardware store sure did have a nice place to sit. I found a couch there that was so comfy, it was obviously the result of celestial intervention.

In Greek mythology, Hephaestus, the god of fire and metalworking, crafted a golden throne inside his volcano forge. He gave this throne to the goddess Hera, and when she sat upon it, invisible chains entrapped her. Many years later, that throne was re-upholstered, outfitted with a hide-a-bed, and set upon display at Restoration Hardware (which, by the way, does not sell hardware).

Hephaestus eventually returned to Mount Olympus and set Hera free. If I was trapped on that couch, and Hephaestus came to set me free, I’d say, “Thanks but no thanks, Heph. But hey, before you leave, would you mind using that volcano of yours to fire me up some Cheetos?”

Seriously, if this couch were in my living room, all I’d need to survive would be a remote control, an IV drip, a catheter, and some sort of water-wheel-and-pulley contraption to roll me over every couple of days.

I hung out on that couch until Kara finished looking at all the satiny, aromatic delights of the hardware store. When she came back to retrieve me, I rolled over and checked the price tag, which read $4,000.

“You like that couch?” Kara asked.

“Heck no!” I said. “It’s lumpy. No, no -- don’t sit down. Let’s get out of here.”

“It looks like a nice couch,” she said, eyeing it up.

“Depends on what kind of highway mileage it gets,” I replied. Clearly, nothing costs that much money that can’t be driven home.

Apparently, that couch is so expensive because it is upholstered with the woven chest hair of virgin leprechauns, and the pillows are all stuffed with $20 bills. At least that’s what I assume. We hustled out of there so quickly, I didn’t have time to find out anything else about it.

I didn’t need the temptation. The Couch of the Gods got trumped by the specter of the Unholy Credit Card Bill.


  1. oh boy. I'll be reading this blog from now on.


  2. The safe cracker3/14/2005 9:21 PM

    And Kara said to you, "You like like that?"

    This blog is pretty should try to syndicate your column.

  3. At least your wife doesn't make you hold her purse. My mom does that to my poor father. He just looks to so lost and pathetic, holding her Stone Mountain purse, while she tries on clothes for 6 hours straight.

  4. if you were to add up every item in my apartment i don't think it would even come up to $4000. that's sad. i need to get me a solid gold toilet or diamond encrusted toaster or something.

  5. Excellent post, man!

    Now whenever I adorn my worn out cat-scratched rickety lumpy two-seater I will close my eyes and think of Greek mythology and let my imagination be whisked away to the higher realms of derriere comfort!!!

  6. Hey -- glad y'all dropped by! Thanks for tossing the comments on here.

    Hope folks know they can jump over to your blogs by clicking on your names, and then clicking on the blog title at the bottom of your profile screen.


  7. Hope you don't mind Mike, I used your post today on mine, to plug your blog, make up for my lack of inspiration, and illustrate how it cheered me up.

    Two words.

  8. Yay! I love blogs with humorous, intelligent posts. Woo hoo. (Yeah, mine isn't one of them how ever...)

  9. Uh oh -- humorous and intelligent? Best of luck! Let us know if you find anything.

  10. Holding Caufield3/17/2005 12:14 PM

    I like holding my wife's purse. Or other women's purses. But not men's purses. Unless they're all soft and velvety.

  11. Kara, Should buy you a nice MP3 Player. for those long couch sessions.

  12. The best shopping trips always come with surprise when you pick up the wrong bad, and the stuff in it is way better than the six pack of underwear you bought. I'll be back.

  13. "woven chest hair of virgin leprechauns" Holy crap....that's funny!!! Thanks for visiting my blog and more importantly...directing me to yours. I need more good blogs to read. Yours truly rocks!!! BTW check back on mine. Soon I will be posting undeniable proof that Jesus lived in my basement. And...the painting is finished.