Monday, March 07, 2005

Berry good, not purrr-fect

We’re facing a very real idea shortage. I submit as evidence: a well-known and respected comedian just had a special on Comedy Central a few weeks ago, and he made a joke about his wife asking him, “Does this dress make me look fat?”

I suppose I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt -- maybe he thought he was the first person ever to make a joke about that, like how Columbus thought he was the first person to discover places that already had people living in them.

I do empathize with the comedian; new ideas are just plain hard to come by. With so many people thinking about so many things (mostly during commercials), it’s hard to come up with something all your own.

Just try to think of a cool new car name that’s never been done. The all-new Dodge Bicep? Introducing the Toyota Streaker? The cool ones are already all taken. That’s why fancy car makers, always one step ahead of the game in finding new ways to heat up your backside, gave up long ago. They just stick random numbers and letters on their cars. Here’s how that process goes: “Eh, we’ll call this one Four. No? Okay, Z4. Whatever.”

While new ideas can be hard to think up, there are also some old ones that we badly need to stop recycling. To help get these ideas out of circulation, I propose the following punishments:

• If you’re a politician, and you accuse another politician of playing politics, you have to propose a law that would force Phil Mickelson to accuse Tiger Woods of playing golf.

• If you’re a writer for Cat Fancy magazine, and you use the term “Purrrrr-fect,” you have to neuter yourself.

• If you notice out loud that MTV doesn’t even play music anymore, you have to let Keith Richards move into your basement.

• If you are selling something with berries in it, and you call it “berry good” on the packaging, you have to go to the mall dressed like Catwoman (think Halle Berry).

• If you’re on The Apprentice and you use the phrase, “at the end of the day,” you have to tug on either a mall Santa’s beard or Donald Trump’s hair.

The only reason I can fathom that Apprentice contestants incessantly say “at the end of the day,” is that they think it makes them sound smarter. In my few years of professional life (I’m no longer an amateur liver), I’ve learned that if you really want to seem smart, you should wear jeans tucked into your socks and line up the buttons on your shirt incorrectly. If you are the biggest slob in the building, you are probably the smartest. And if you somehow manage to be bald and have a pony tail, you probably deserve a raise.

Genuinely smart people don’t have to compensate by dressing nicely. The slogan for the Men’s Wearhouse should be, “You’re going to like the way you look: really, really dumb.” The smart guy probably isn’t the one in the suit – it’s the one who doesn’t know that his work shirt was meant to be an undershirt.

If you will excuse me now, I have to figure out how to put on this tie.


  1. Insert comment here.

  2. Thanks for the insightful feedback. I will be certainly pay attention to the comment that I just inserted in my mind.

  3. long time reader, first time poster-having read pre-Recorder blogs from the author I can't help but feel the new format (much cleaner & slightly less insightful) lacks the humor and interest that I look for in a blog entry/weekly column. The author does seem to have what I would call "good weeks" and "don't-write weeks" - I'm confused because I think the author mixed up his weeks.

    Generally, I find the columns interesting. I think it may just require a little warming-up for the content to get really good!

    My review: (*)(*)( )( ) -2 stars

  4. What fascinates me more on trying to be original, is how few people appreciate it. Sure, you may have patrons of a comedy club rolling in the aisles, but in The Big Bad World there are just so many who actually look down their noses at you if you fail to say the bloody obvious 24/7!

    Good column, buddy! Thanks for posting on my blog!

  5. Chunks (aka Brightguy, aka Jered Earl Widmer), what's wrong with you?

    Dude, old people and little kids read this thing in the paper -- I can't be swearing and talking about balls like I used to. I'm respectable now. I cleaned up, like Bob Saget.

    So give me another star, you dillweed! Two stars? I'm not a Vin Diesel movie!

    Seriously, the next time you're at my house, I can't be held responsible for what my ferret does to you.

  6. Addendum to Brightguy post aboveI am not sure who this "Chunks" is that you speak of... and I think you might have mispelled Jared.

    In any case, I was attempting to use humor to joke with you. I actually enjoy the weekly columns; the style of writing is light-hearted and original.

    Great job!

  7. Chunks,

    I spelled Jered right, mofo.

    Also, I have found your comments to be rather bland. I think you could stand to take a lesson from JL Pagano, an immaculate comment-leaver.

    Overall, I'd give your comments 1 1/2 stars. They might entertain the kids, but adults probably won't be amused.

    (*)(1/2)( ) ( )

  8. *updates his resume to add "immaculate comment-leaver" under "strengths"*

  9. See, Chunks? There's another good one. Are you taking notes?

  10. I tried commenting the other day, but the "post a comment" link wouldn't work. Anyway . . . I like your blog. And this is a particularly funny entry!

  11. Michele and JL --

    Thanks for dropping by and commenting. I hope some folks who see this will click on your names to see your blogs -- you both have some cool stuff to read.

    Chunks -- if you ever get a blog up and running, let me know so I can come harass you on your website.

  12. I had some time to come back and read more. Glad I did. Not only did I find this post hysterical, but the comments made me laugh even harder. Notice how "brightguy" doesn't have a link to his blog???