Sunday, October 01, 2006

Getting Lost

Okay, you can talk about “Lost” around me now. I was worried that you were going to spill the mangos and ruin the whole thing before I got a chance to catch up to you, but my wife Kara and I finally watched the second season on DVD, so we’re all spoiler-proof now.

I can’t believe we made it until now without anybody ruining it for us. Back when I was the only person in the world who hadn’t seen the movie “Scream,” I dodged conversations about it for years until I finally broke down and rented the videotape. Just as I was popping it into the VCR, I pointed to this guy on the cover and said to my roommate, “I didn’t know this dude was in the movie.”

“Oh, you mean the guy who kills everybody?” he asked. I learned a very important lesson that day: if you don’t have any better options available, a VCR tape makes a passable blunt instrument.

But Kara and I successfully avoided everyone’s conversations about “Lost” until we finally got to see it for ourselves, and we’re lucky we did. The show is definitely worth donating many hours of your life to, hours that you might have wasted in meaningful conversations with your family or reconnecting with old friends. If you’ve never seen the show, it’s safe to say that there’s never been a more perfect amalgam of Gilligan’s Island and The X-Files.

In one of my favorite scenes from the second season, the character named John Locke told this other character named Thurston Howell III that the only way to find something is to quit looking for it. This might be a good first step, but I think that the only foolproof way to find something that you’ve lost is to accuse someone of stealing it from you. And that’s only after you ransack your bedroom, of course.

“Why would I want your iPod charger, Dude? I don’t even have an iPod,” your friend will say.

“Yeah, of course,” you say, but then you give them a look so that they know you’re on to them. If you don’t have to apologize to several people after you find your iPod charger in the freezer, then you just weren’t looking hard enough.

If you’ve accused friends and loved ones of stealing from you and you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, the next step is to give up and go buy a new one. Once you lose the receipt, you’ll find the one you already had.

Kara recently lost a book that she was dying to read. After searching around for a while, she decided that she’d better bulldoze everything off the coffee table onto the floor. It didn’t qualify as a proper ransacking, but it was a good first step.

“Maybe it got thrown out,” she said, eyeing my suspiciously. This was not quite as effective of a finding technique as accusing me of stealing it directly, but at least we were headed in the right direction.

I said, “Yeah, I was playing Throw Random Items in the Trash all day yesterday. I hope you didn’t want our spatula anymore, either.”

But eventually I pitched in, going into the other room and calling out, “What’s it called again? There’s one in here called ‘The Maiden’s Voyage.’”

“No, no, that’s not it,” she said.

“Oh, wait! Did you say it was called ‘Heart of a Warrior’?”

“Yes! That’s it!”

“Okay, it’s definitely not in here,” I said.

Also, if you want to sound smart, name a character in your TV show after a philosopher like John Locke, even if you have absolutely no idea what he philosophized about. If I don’t get my own TV show soon, I think I’ll name my next pet Voltaire. That’ll make me sound smart, even though I know far more about Voltron.

You can reach between your couch cushions and pull out Mike Todd online at


  1. So the book is still MIA? I will have a big laugh when you start packing to move and it turns up.

    No doubt I will be calling you Wednesday night right after the season premiere of LOST - I need to talk to someone about what happened (and waiting until work the next day is NOT an option).

  2. *form of BLAZING SWORD!!*

    I could have been Princess Allura in the Blue Lion--yeah,I could so!!!

    Hope Kara's book appears. Maybe it got sucked into the vortex where all the lost socks, keys and other crap goes!

  3. I intentionally avoided hearing or reading about the surprising ending to The Crying Game.

    Must have been a record: the movie came out in 1992 and I finally saw on cable in 2000.

    Let me just say, it wasn't that big of a surprise.

  4. Duuuude, we totally got sucked into the Lost hype last Olympics, once the hockey got boring. They were showing reruns of the first season. I believe it was a Sunday.

    Anyways. Many hours of DVD rentals and several months of switching the channel whenever a new Lost commercial came on (lest we spoil the second season before we could rent it on DVD) here we are, ready to take on season three.

    I'll admit; the notion of having to sit through commercials is one I'm having trouble with.

  5. i have a friend who named his dog John Cusack.

  6. yeah but some people you accuse get so mad they ransack the house just for shits and giggles. lol

  7. Jered Earl Chunks -- I hope you didn't watch LOST tonight so I can ruin the ending for you! Honestly, it didn't surprise me all that much when Sawyer died. But I didn't see that affair between Locke and Vincent coming.

    Marie -- You win the prize for best Voltron reference! That means you can put "Defender of the Universe" on your business cards.

    Buster -- You win the prize for best penis joke in the comments so far. It's still pretty early in the week, though.

    Kimu -- Watching with commercials sucks! The fade-outs to immediate fade-ins were much better. We'll suffer through it, eh? I don't know if I can avoid LOST conversations for another year.

    Child -- That rules. Did it ever hump a dog named Diane Lane?

    Burfica -- Nothing like a good ransack to get the blood flowing, right?