Sunday, June 18, 2006

Doggie doughnuts

The other day, I started my very first diet, completely by accident. A lot of people talk about how tough it is to start a diet, but I just developed a simple method that seems to work pretty well. The first step is to order the two cheeseburger extra value meal. When you sit down with your tray, if you notice that they’ve accidentally given you two hamburgers instead of two cheeseburgers, don’t get back up and complain. Just eat everything edible on your tray. Voila. Diet started, and finished. I completed this diet recently, and I feel healthier already. If they get your order right, though, you’ll have to start your diet some other day. You can also create an international variation to the diet if they forget to put sour cream on your tacos.

Sometimes I also diet by holding a slice of pepperoni pizza by the crust and letting the grease drip onto the plate. The more you let the grease drip, the healthier the pizza becomes. If you let the pizza drip for more than a minute, it’s the same as eating a rice cake.

I’m a much better dieter than the old golden retriever my family had when I was kid. Ginger, who had always been a pretty hefty dog, got enormous one summer. Corporate sponsors started trying to fly her over sports stadiums. People in wetsuits tried to surf on her in front of crowds, but Ginger wasn’t a big fan of the dead herrings.

Perplexed by her sudden weight gain, my parents tried everything to get the old dog out to exercise more. Then they started feeding her Science Diet. Then they continually cut back the portions, but nothing seemed to be working. Ginger just kept getting fatter.

My buddy Mark and I tried to help the situation by dressing Ginger up in Dad’s wristbands, Nike T-shirt and running shorts and putting a dog biscuit at the base of the treadmill, which was cranked up to jogging speed. Ginger would run along on the treadmill, trying desperately to grab the dog biscuit with her mouth. I’m not sure it did much for her fatness, but the “Gingercise” tape by the TV in the basement has provided entertainment for over a decade now.

One day, Dad decided to surreptitiously follow Ginger around on her wanderings. This was back in the days when dogs just roamed free around neighborhoods, without any high-voltage equipment strapped to their necks. We knew all the dogs in the neighborhood, and everyone knew ours. Dogs were like caribou, wandering the suburban plains. This was also, I believe, before carrying dog droppings around in one’s pocket became fashionable. Sometime around the mid-90s, plastic baggie manufacturers figured out a way to make carrying dog doo around a stylish thing to do. Nowadays, people can’t wait to get their hands on the stuff, which is probably why there hasn’t been a Ginger V2.0.

Anyway, Dad noticed that Ginger’s route always seemed to include going through the woods, up to the back neighbor’s house. When he followed her up there, he stood amazed as he watched Ginger walk up to a huge mound of doughnuts and scarf down three or four with each bite. Chocolate, glazed, powdered, jelly – for that entire summer, Ginger had been eating a buffet of doughnuts, in addition to her Science Diet.

The neighbor lady worked at Wawa, and every day, they had a pile of stale Dunkin’ Donuts to throw out. Rather than letting them go to waste, she’d bag them up and dump them in her backyard, because, for some reason, she wanted to feed Boston crèmes and frosted bear claws to the raccoons. Probably because they needed something to go with their double espressos.

You can follow Mike Todd around with a plastic baggie in your pocket online at mikectodd@gmail.com.

21 comments:

  1. Imagine my surprise, coming here for my quick morning chuckle, and instead finding DIETING advice! You absolutely ROCK, man! I'm so full of healthy information (AND chuckles) that I probably won't even need to eat breakfast today!! (damn rice cakes.....)

    ReplyDelete
  2. As a woman who hasn't eaten a real meal in four weeks, I am so not amused... well, okay - maybe a little.

    mmmm....doughnuts

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are one of the few people in this world who can make dieting funny! May I link this post on my weight loss blog? I have a few little stories there of my own:

    www.lifeisjourneymarie.blogspot.com

    Thanks for brightening this "dieters" day!

    M.

    ReplyDelete
  4. melodyann -- Dude, glad I could be of service. YOU rock!

    Anna -- Cereal for dinner -- that's the way to go. Also, doughnuts are good for you, because nuts have protein.

    Marie -- Link away! Every time somebody links to this blog, an angel gets a little bit dumber.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow, this was a hyped column Mike. It really did rock. It did take me back to when I was younger than 9, older than 8... if you catch my drift. Well I ate 13 doughnuts because my little brother dared me NOT too- UNBELIEVABLE right? Well believe it. Now look at me. You could frost the creme on my backside. Well keep em coming, always bring a solid hoot to my morning commute... to the WaWa that is. They now have Make it yourself Milk Shake makers. morning comute... to the WaWa that is. They now have Make it yourself Milk Shake makers.

    Jammie

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dude: No, really, YOU ROCK!!!

    (ok, we BOTH rock!! Golly, I don't think I've EVER rocked before? What does one do when one rocks?)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Mike,

    Our office has been going through withdrawl since your column stopped being published in our local rag (Haddon Life).

    Thank goodness we found your blog! Keep making us laugh!

    http://www.raphaelwebscapes.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Jammie -- I'm catching your drift left and right. Make-it-yourself milkshakes? I must see this for myself. Thanks for dropping by!

    melodyann -- A rocker like yourself surely knows what to do.

    Barb -- Thanks so much for tracking me down! Funny you should stop by today - another reader emailed me earlier to ask where I went. I didn't know I'd gone!

    After I inquired about it to Haddon Life, the editor wrote back to me and said, "We actually won't be running any non-local colums in the HL anymore. Thanks anyway, though." I guess that rules me out, as I live in New York now. I'm still local to me, but it looks like that doesn't count.

    I think they were working on firing me the same way Lumbergh fired Milton in Office Space. They just fixed the glitch and waited to see how long I'd keep sending in columns.

    Anyway, thanks so much for the kind words! They were much appreciated on an otherwise less-than-stellar day.

    ReplyDelete
  9. what a sneaky (although normal dog!). I can just picture that dog scarfing down donuts to beat the band and your dad standing there, watching incrediously.

    My daughter is a champion pooper scooper. She carries these tiny little bags and does the deed that I refuse to do. This was the deal if we got a dog..... I will clean up no poop, thank you very much.

    I'm glad your fans from Haddon Life found you. How sad is that to be on Mike Todd withdrawals and not know where you are writing? Keep up the fun columns. I love them!! Blogger word verification sucks ass though.... I can hardly distinguish the 'g' from the 'q'

    ReplyDelete
  10. I followed you at MelodyAnn's suggestion. hehehehe

    Also a good dieting tip. If you order a cherry or two on top of your ginormous ice cream sunday, the fruit negates the calories of the sunday. Seee....dieting at it's finest. hehehehe

    I'll be back. Feel full warned. hehehee

    ReplyDelete
  11. I followed you at MelodyAnn's suggestion. hehehehe

    Also a good dieting tip. If you order a cherry or two on top of your ginormous ice cream sunday, the fruit negates the calories of the sunday. Seee....dieting at it's finest. hehehehe

    I'll be back. Feel full warned. hehehee

    ReplyDelete
  12. I always wondered how animals could enjoy life without the benefit of baked goods . . . I guess I don't have to wonder about THAT any more!

    ReplyDelete
  13. LOL thanks for the laughs, Mike. picturing your family's dog scarfing down doughnuts and exercising on a treadmill made my day. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Mike, I can't believe Haddon Life never bothered to clue you in. Another reason for the "paper" (and I truly mean quote paper quote ) to go straight to Mr. Recyling.

    Well, it also might make good kitty litter lining.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks for dropping by, all! Barb, now that you say it, I wonder how many cats have taken dumps on my face. The websites you design look fantastic, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Your face, never. W, mabye.

    Thanks for the compliment. I have a great design staff.

    Check out our job titles. We got them from: http://www.bullshitjob.com/titles.html

    A lot of prospective clients take them so seriously!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ha! That's a great site. You are obviously a superb Senior Quality Engineer.

    I've got dibs on "Senior Paradigm Administrator" if nobody else has claimed it. I can administrate paradigms like nobody's business.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I've got nothing except a stolen quote:
    "I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Totie_Fields

    Was funny though.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dude - yet another good tale! Isn't Ginger the infamous dog in that duck photo your dad took and got published?

    Oh and I have an awesome new band that I KNOW you'll love! But we gotta hang out soon if you want to hear them.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Good job on your blog. blood type diet If youre looking for weight loss tips or diet advice check out my diet blog. Please visit blood type diet

    ReplyDelete
  21. Nice looking blog. weight loss information For diet tips and reviews of the top diets check out my diet blog. Please visit weight loss information

    ReplyDelete