Sunday, November 20, 2005

He’s having a baby

Another buddy of mine is having a baby. Well, he’s not exactly having it, but he’s more than loosely connected to the chain of events that has precipitated the baby shower that my wife Kara and I are attending this weekend. Did you know that guys can get invited to baby showers now? The times, they have a-changed.

Kara and I are used to running a gauntlet of weddings every year, as we have reached ages that (frighteningly) round up to thirty. Though I haven’t kept a running tally, I think that the number of weddings may have been eclipsed by the number of baby showers – you can work out the math on that one.

The fact that my friends are having children now is rather disconcerting. These are the same people who, in college, spent weeks walking a lobster along the countertop for longer and longer periods of time because “we’re teaching it to breathe air.”

What baffles me most is that people keep having kids when they know full well what irrational creatures they are. A guy Kara works with was telling her this week about his two-year old son, who has recently added the word “afraid” to his vocabulary. After his parents dressed him one morning, the kid started shrieking that he was afraid of his pants.

The pants did not have tarantulas crawling around in them. These were not asbestos pants. My property taxes were not hiding in his pockets. The kid made such a fuss that his parents were compelled to remove his pants, at which point the child started crying because his legs were cold. But he wouldn’t hear of putting his pants back on. “I’m afwaid of my pants!” he wailed. After hearing this story, I ran to the computer and bought stock in a prophylactic company.

Hasn’t anybody ever tried talking reason to children? Seriously, somebody ought to do something about this. Sane people do not act this way. And still, my friends keep insisting on bringing new little crazy people into the world.

When Kara and I were having our driveway re-done last year, Anthony, the little boy next door, was fascinated by the small bulldozer that the workmen were using. His mom brought him outside, armed with her camera.

“He’s had his nose pressed against the window all morning. Anthony loves construction stuff,” she told us.

The little boy was absolutely beaming that he was going to get his picture taken with a bulldozer. He was all decked out in his Bob the Builder overalls. His mom asked permission of the workmen, who graciously smiled and told her to feel free to let the little guy have a ball with the construction equipment.

Anthony ran over to bulldozer, and his mom picked him up to put him in the driver’s seat.

“Awww, that’s so cute,” Kara said. And it was. Briefly.

The shrieking began as soon as Anthony’s mom tried to back up far enough to take a picture. So she came back to pick him out of the seat, and then he started shrieking, “Nooo! Picture!”

When she backed up again to take the picture, he shrieked even louder, holding out his arms for her to come back. But when she came back, he picked it up a few dozen decibels more, intent on having his picture taken in the driver’s seat, but too scared to sit there for his mom to get far enough away to take the picture. She only ever got far enough away to take a picture of his face, which was red and flowing with various fluids. I doubt that one ever made it to the mantle.

I watched in horrified amazement. A chess-playing Sasquatch is easier to find than a rational child. Still, I’m looking forward to this weekend. Bringing new insanity into the world is best celebrated with friends.

If you’re not too afraid of the keyboard, you can reach Mike Todd online at


  1. Ahhh, yet another blog entry about children... I honestly believe that Kara will be having a shower before we know it. Fess up Mikey- you expecting a little one anytime soon? I'm guessing that you two have at least been discussing it lately.

  2. Having kids is like being in a relationship - though you know they can have you pulling your hair out and seriously considering auctioning your soul on the hell's e-bay, once you have them you never regret it.

    I reckon Jared is right. You doth protest too much.

  3. A chess-playing Sasquatch is easier to find than a rational child

    I loved this quote! AND it speaks volumnes of truth. The trying to reason with my daughter is what hass given me gray hair. I think you'll make a great dad someday and I for one, can not wait to read all about that. lol
    Excellent, funny post!

  4. Hate to say it but the only thing LESS rational then a a TEEN!!!!

  5. you probably don't know how right on you are. great post. funny.

  6. i like to watch other people have kids... and then laugh at them. oh sure i hold the baby and make little noices with it but then i give it back to the parents, a luxury some people do not have.

  7. Haha! Dudes, no little ones for us just yet. We have the rest of our lives to be insane -- no need to rush.

    Thanks for the kind words.

  8. lol...I really want to be around blogger still when you and Kara decide to have children!!

    Believe me, we still have that same stock, 2 little crazies are enough!

  9. great post, I have 2 boys, a challenge but a good one.

  10. A big, fat AMEN on this post!!! Hi-larious!!! You know what I hate? The tanks they have disguised as strollers in the mall that allow parents of said screaming children to flatten you to the tune of high-pitched wails & screams.

    Maybe we only notice these things b/c we DON'T have kids... Does something change in your brain chemistry when you procreate that keeps such incidences from making chills run up and down your spine? I just know I'm not taking any chances for now!!!

  11. Did I miss a celebrity conviction??

  12. I don't think you missed a conviction -- that Blake guy lost a civil trial for murdering his wife, but I hadn't heard of him before he killed somebody, so I don't think he counts as famous.

    Anyway, I'd planned on changing that line above the hit counter every week or so, but I'm too lazy. Maybe every six months or so is good enough.

  13. "I'm afraid of my pants" is normal conversation in this household. I gave up thinking long ago.