Comma chameleon

Did you know that the correct punctuation differs between the phrases “my cousin Rachel” and “my wife Kara”? An astute reader recently pointed out that the phrase “my wife Kara,” which readers of this column (including, and sometimes limited to, my mom) might recognize as appearing in this space with the same frequency that severed limbs appear in Quentin Tarantino movies, really requires a comma between the words “wife” and “Kara.”

After several salvos in a grammatical battle that could only be described as epic (by me) or unbelievably dorky (by Kara), my defeat became impossible to ignore, though I intend to do so anyway. Defeat only matters if you pay attention to it, much like door dings.

The difference between cousins and wives, while largely ignored in some remote mountain areas, is that a person can have multiple cousins but not multiple wives. This difference makes “my wife, Kara” a non-restrictive appositive phrase, which requires a comma, while “my cousin Rachel” is a restrictive appositive phrase, which does not require a comma. If you’d like further explanation, which of course you don’t, consult Google. Or I could refer you to Janelle, who started this whole kerfuffle, but if you argue with her, you will lose. She’s like a sixth-degree Kerfuffle Master.

Still, at the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I’m feeling a little too set in my ways to change. I love my wife Kara. I’m not so sure how I feel about my wife, Kara, though. That comma reminds me of the speed bumps they put down in the park that make you go so slow that you couldn’t even run over a little kid if you wanted to. Plus, it’s only wrong to write poorly if you do it by accident. If you do it on purpose, that makes you literary.

While we’re on the subject of grammar, if there’s ever a game show called “Celebrity Spelling Bee,” I’d bet a lot of money that Fergie would win the whole thing. She’s like a musical Speak & Spell. By the way, if you’re thinking of the Duchess of York Fergie right now, you might want to double check that you put the cap back on your Geritol this morning. I’m talking about Black Eyed Peas Fergie, a pioneer in the field of Fergaliciousness, who capitalizes heavily on the fact that the letters of the alphabet often rhyme with one another.

“Fergie, spell Euonym,” the mean British judge would say. If your show doesn’t have a mean British judge, it’ll get cancelled faster than “Deal or No Deal” should have been, but for some reason hasn’t.

Then Fergie would lean toward the microphone nervously and say, “Euonym. E to the U to the O to the N to the Y to the M. Euonym.”

“That’s correct. Woopty doo. Now bugger off.”

This is the kind of thing you think about in your spare time, when you’re not worrying that your bald spot might soon be large enough to pick up DIRECTV.

Whatever your thoughts about grammar may be, though, the important thing is that you can discuss the finer points of grammar all day long without mentioning Don “’t have a job” Imus once. This is a very important quality for a conversation topic to have, and one that has been altogether lacking over the past couple of weeks. So even while Janelle is quietly sneaking up like a ninja, ready to pounce on you with the distinction between restrictive and non-restrictive appositives, which you, at first glance, thought were different kinds of safety harnesses, you can relax with the knowledge that your views on Imus needn’t be aired, much like his show. And that works out well, because even my wife Kara is sick of hearing about that.

You can pelt Mike Todd with your APA handbook online at mikectodd@gmail.com.